I might not be McSweeney’s, but I can damn well talk about things that we all buy that are dumb, dumb, dumb. You know you have bought something, you get it home and either start reading the package or start using it and think “OMGWTFBBQ.” Clearly there are many industries in trouble, and cannot hire writers of even my mediocre caliber to write descriptions for their shitbag items, or make sense of what truly is a product’s intention. Let’s start in the bathroom, how every morning is started.
NIVEA FOR MEN PLATINUM PROTECT DEODORIZING BODY WASH
This bottle is confusing. It appears as if it should be on a spaceship. It’s silver color denotes seriousness, though, so while I am peeking out of half-awake eyes into which I have unwillingly shoved contacts, I see that the bottle is…ridged? Ribbed? Down each side. My guess is, this is in case you are barely awake like I am currently, and decide to drop your space-soap onto the floor of your immaculately stainless showering pod surface. However, if you think the bottle is confusing, just fucking wait, because your mind is about to be blown up like Hiroshima: THIS SHIT HAS SMART DEO TECHNOLOGY. While I am sad it does not have “SMART DIO TECHNOLOGY” because there is nothing more I want than to wash my limbs to “Rainbow in the Dark” while reading Nietzsche, I must find out what this technology is all about. Well, my friends, it says that is what it uses to “remove odor-causing substances.” Funny, I thought that’s what SOAP DOES. I didn’t know it required technology. Just, you know, the ingredients you have listed here. Putting those ingredients together isn’t technology, dudes. It’s MAKING SOAP. Ok, if the DEO technology was not enough to drop your drawers over, it also comes equipped with HYDRA IQ. To which I say:
Also, it says it is for showering, shampooing, AND deodorizing. Really. Oh that’s right. I forget that guys cannot possibly need more than one magical bottle to take care of their every hygiene need, but I thought it was called JAMESON, not body wash. My rating of this product: Fucking 3. Technology for soap is a damn insult.
TONE “MY GIRLIE STUFF IS NOT EEEEEEEVEN AS EXPENSIVE AS YOUR SPACEWASH” FRUIT PEEL BODY WASH
This doesn’t promise much. It smells citrus-y and at the very least, makes me have a sense of cleanliness about myself. It is definitely not made out of either fruit or peel. I doubt its claims of “alpha-hydroxy fruit acids” but I don’t care. It was $3.99. The bottle is yellow. It makes me happier than my usual Dawn Troll self. My rating of this clearly superior product: 8, because it’s totally humble about its properties.
Tomorrow, we’ll move on to the kitchen. I bet you can’t wait.