This is a love letter to my sister. She is 9 years older than me. Here is what I know:
She loves horror fiction.
She loves Dan Fogelberg and Kansas and Pink Floyd.
Her laugh is the best, and she laughs a lot.
Time and all kinds of miles in between us and there is not a day that goes by that I am not regretful of what we’ve lost. And grateful for what we’ve found. Maybe we couldn’t be there for each other every single time, but the times we have been able to be matter. They fucking count. I remember listening to Styx and Elton John in her bedroom when she wasn’t home. I remember driving up the canyon together listening to Pat Benatar. Or the Police. I remember seeing her laughing. Crying. I remember never feeling like I could get enough of her eyes. Of her smile.
We will be old together, you and I. I will always keep trying to make you laugh. I will never have enough time with you. I love you, and you are the one for whom I waited for so long.
There was a band in the early 90’s called Mary’s Danish. None of their albums are available on Spotify – which is probably an okay thing – but that means in order to listen to a few songs that I really like, I have to go get my archaic CD collection out and find a place to play it. Which also, holy shit what even are those anyway. My car actually has a CD player, so I found myself busting out their CD “Circa” not too long ago. Not every song is a gem. Nay, most are not. But the last song on the album has always made me feel stuff and probably cry depending on the day. The lyrics go like this:
“…You fail in every way
Ask the ones you love – the words they can’t pronounce
You fail in every way
Ask the ones you trust – you know they stole everything.
Cover your face girl, now shoot some pool
So what, ya had it comin’.”
So this doesn’t really sum up how I feel about where I’m at in my life today, but I think the reason I get emotional when I listen to it is because I remember all too well feeling like that ALL THE TIME. I can identify all too easily with the person in that song – or at least, my past self can identify with her. It’s sometimes a quick mental hop back into a life that really isn’t mine anymore.
My past actions – they’re just that. Past. Nothing like a song to put you right back in that same frame of mind, remembering all the shit you’ve done wrong or poorly in your life. But for all the songs you can find or remember that make you feel a certain way you don’t really feel any longer, there are just as many that can fit who you are right now, in this very moment. I think it’s okay – even cathartic – to use music to examine how you once felt, or how you feel now. It’s all part of figuring out your inner life which is kind of what I’m doing all the time now. Or try to do. Sometimes it is painful; sometimes I don’t want to look at it or reach my hand down into any one particular feeling-bog of muck and ooze. But it’s kind of what gets me through to the other side and helps me appreciate my life as it is right now.
All I am saying is, music helps to move through in order to move forward. I’m not sure where I’d be without it. Thanks Gretchen and Julie.