As I stood in my bedroom folding towels while listening to thunder in the distance and rain actively – well, raining – I had a deep thought: There will be a time in the future where my consciousness may or may not exist, or know what it feels like to fold towels while it’s raining outside, or what listening to thunder feels like. Yeah, it’s that kind of Sunday.
I just finished Shit Town, which got me to this exact plane of thought, I think. If you have not listened to it, go. Just stop reading this. See you in about 7 hours. It is an amazing look at one man’s life, a man who possibly understood both the finite and terrifyingly infinite concept of time better than many. A man whose mind was, to say the least, tortured and complex.
It made me think about where I am now, in this very moment in time, in my life. I have read hundreds of amazing books. I hope to read hundreds more. I have laughed so hard with friends that tears spilled from my eyes and my breath was hard to catch. I have spent countless hours balled up in a small, dark place in my heart, paralyzed by failure, crushed by unrequited everything, unable and many times unwilling to dig into the marrow of what might be the cause. I have witnessed selfless acts of encompassing kindness; I have put myself square in the majesty of Redwoods; I have lived sometimes too cautiously and done enough reckless things to at least have some stories.
As I listen to the purr of the cat on my lap while the rain softens, thunder hums and a bird cries out nearby, I know I am changed. I am changed by this moment, and every moment. I am beyond grateful that I get to experience these changes. I am in awe of sometimes every leaf I see, every duck I watch land on water, every time my cat snuggles up to me and lets me rub his belly, and the feeling I get when I hear my husband’s voice.
I don’t always show my gratitude for these moments, but I’d like to think that overall, my life, this journey that can be so frustrating and yet so inspiring all at the same time – that my life is full exactly as it is. I would not alter one minute of this life.
I will do my best to be aware of the minutes remaining, and to always, always realize that the “big picture” is right in front of me. All I have to do is be still and open my eyes.