Outwitted: A Cautionary Tale

Stay in school, kids.




10.  *Some* resealable bags

9.  The Invisible UPS delivery guy

8.  My new car stereo

7.  Depending on the time, my Houdini wine bottle opener

6.  The “Premium Toppers” section at Sweet Tomatoes

5.  Genghis Grill’s new “pay at the table” system

4.  Genghis Grill’s new “write your name on this card and we’ll BRING YOUR FOOD TO YOU” system

3.  Cage-free egg containers

2.  Unfamiliar ATM machines


1.  This piece of shit fancy bike pump

Schwinn 5-in-1 bullshit pump
Fuck you, man.

Let Me Entertain You

A conversation between my husband and I the other night: 

Him:  Did you just take a shower?  Didn’t you take a shower 2 hours ago?

Me:  Yes.  But it’s easier than washing my face in the sink.


A conversation regarding watching television: 

Daisy:  Have you watched Community or some other network show I can’t remember the name of right now?

Me:  Nah.  I don’t watch network TV.  Ever.

Daisy:  You should.  You are missing some good shows.

Me:  I refuse to FF through the commercials.

Daisy:  That statement alone makes you the laziest person in the entire world.


A text conversation between an unnamed friend and me that JUST HAPPENED:

Friend:  I’m drinking by myself now.  I’ve turned into you.

Me:  …


Happy Anniversary, Nameless Faceless Killer!

It’s 7:05 am.  My husband has just told me that for some inexplicable reason, our garage door is open.  Not wide open, but like, person-crawling-in-size open, 3 feet off the ground.

I bolt out of my Hunger Games-reading stupor and say quietly, “what the fuck,” because this is exactly the way I need to be woken up on a Monday.   Unfortunately, said husband is leaving for work.  We both stand in the garage as if to say, SHOW YOURSELF MOTHERFUCKER!!!  But alas, no one does.  Husband moves to leave.  “You’ll be ok,” he says winningly.  “I put your .38 by your desk.”  Somehow this is supposed to comfort me, and I guess it does a little, while I walk through the house turning on every light.  This will be a non-showering day.  Awesome.

Husband leaves.  I proceed to do some dishes while my trusty Lady Smith sits beside me on the counter.  I look out the front door when finished only to find that THE GARAGE DOOR IS NOW ALL THE WAY UP, WIDE OPEN.

There are only 2 possible reasons for this:

1) There may be someone in the neighborhood who has a  garage door opener that is somehow on the same frequency (but this never really happens, does it)



Neither of these thoughts are comforting.

Did I mention that I have a broken leg?  And that I have just quit smoking in the last week?  I am the slowest and angriest person you have ever met.  No matter.  I proceed outside with phone and gun in hand, sort of trying to conceal it as there is a little old man walking his dog and I really don’t want to alarm him by looking insane. I stare into the garage like it holds some ancient mystery.  Like the Ark of the Covenant is deep inside it.  I am really just looking for evidence that someone has been up in here trying to steal our…our what?  Our priceless bags of Salvation Army clothes?  Our double-sink granite vanity that we will never install that weighs literally 500 pounds?  Our two completely hideous Christmas trees?  No sir, there is nothing in here for you.  Trust me.  While I’m standing outside the garage in my pajama pants holding a gun, I attempt to close the door by just reaching my hand inside and pushing the button.  The door will not close completely though – when I press the button, it will get to the ground and then bounce back up like something is blocking its path.  I decide to enter the dark and frightening chasm that is our garage.  I close the door with the button again, this time holding the door down as it hits the ground.  Mission accomplished, door fucking closed, may I go on with my Monday now?  I HAVE NOT HAD COFFEE YET.

I text my husband to tell him the door was wide open.  He phones immediately and I ask him if there is a way to secure the door.  There is.  I do it.  He says:

“There are only two reasons this would happen.”

Yes, I am well aware.  Happy anniversary, baby.  

Well, if it’s reason number two, the killer/sink-and-Christmas-tree thief  is gone now, and if not, he might as well come on inside.  I’m a bundle of joy in the morning.  And it’s a Monday.  You just hit the jackpot, buddy.