Happy Anniversary, Nameless Faceless Killer!

It’s 7:05 am.  My husband has just told me that for some inexplicable reason, our garage door is open.  Not wide open, but like, person-crawling-in-size open, 3 feet off the ground.

I bolt out of my Hunger Games-reading stupor and say quietly, “what the fuck,” because this is exactly the way I need to be woken up on a Monday.   Unfortunately, said husband is leaving for work.  We both stand in the garage as if to say, SHOW YOURSELF MOTHERFUCKER!!!  But alas, no one does.  Husband moves to leave.  “You’ll be ok,” he says winningly.  “I put your .38 by your desk.”  Somehow this is supposed to comfort me, and I guess it does a little, while I walk through the house turning on every light.  This will be a non-showering day.  Awesome.

Husband leaves.  I proceed to do some dishes while my trusty Lady Smith sits beside me on the counter.  I look out the front door when finished only to find that THE GARAGE DOOR IS NOW ALL THE WAY UP, WIDE OPEN.

There are only 2 possible reasons for this:

1) There may be someone in the neighborhood who has a  garage door opener that is somehow on the same frequency (but this never really happens, does it)

or

2) SOMEONE WAS IN MY GARAGE.  

Neither of these thoughts are comforting.

Did I mention that I have a broken leg?  And that I have just quit smoking in the last week?  I am the slowest and angriest person you have ever met.  No matter.  I proceed outside with phone and gun in hand, sort of trying to conceal it as there is a little old man walking his dog and I really don’t want to alarm him by looking insane. I stare into the garage like it holds some ancient mystery.  Like the Ark of the Covenant is deep inside it.  I am really just looking for evidence that someone has been up in here trying to steal our…our what?  Our priceless bags of Salvation Army clothes?  Our double-sink granite vanity that we will never install that weighs literally 500 pounds?  Our two completely hideous Christmas trees?  No sir, there is nothing in here for you.  Trust me.  While I’m standing outside the garage in my pajama pants holding a gun, I attempt to close the door by just reaching my hand inside and pushing the button.  The door will not close completely though – when I press the button, it will get to the ground and then bounce back up like something is blocking its path.  I decide to enter the dark and frightening chasm that is our garage.  I close the door with the button again, this time holding the door down as it hits the ground.  Mission accomplished, door fucking closed, may I go on with my Monday now?  I HAVE NOT HAD COFFEE YET.

I text my husband to tell him the door was wide open.  He phones immediately and I ask him if there is a way to secure the door.  There is.  I do it.  He says:

“There are only two reasons this would happen.”

Yes, I am well aware.  Happy anniversary, baby.  

Well, if it’s reason number two, the killer/sink-and-Christmas-tree thief  is gone now, and if not, he might as well come on inside.  I’m a bundle of joy in the morning.  And it’s a Monday.  You just hit the jackpot, buddy.

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4 thoughts on “Happy Anniversary, Nameless Faceless Killer!

  1. boonedoggle says:

    I’m picturing you strolling out of the garage, hair in curlers, thigh length nightgown, tigger slipper, tiger striped leg cast, coffee cup in one hand, cigarette in the other and a Smith and Wesson 8″ model 629 in a Galco shoulder holster. I think Victoria’s secret should consider that for their next ad campaign.

  2. sara says:

    my ex-bosses had a TV in their bedroom that was on a remoter that would not only turn it on and off, but make it raise and lower out of a lowboy (i use the word “lowboy” because i’m 80, apparently) that was about he height of the window sill, so they could have a TV in there without it blocking their view of the city (this was in NYC).

    welp, they starting coming home to find the TV raised when they’d nested it, or nested when they’d left it out, and they were freaked out, thinking that someone was coming into their apartment and watching their TVwhen they weren’t there.

    THEN IT HAPPENED WHEN THEY WERE THERE.

    the thing started raising and lowering while they were watching TV, or when they were getting ready for bed, or just at random times, on its own. at this point they were thinking about looking for a new apartment because this one was clearly already occupied by ghosts.

    THEN!

    they mentioned it to a friend, that their TV was possessed by the devil, and the friend replied “oh, it’s probably just on the same frequency as the cab radios.”

    so they changed the frequency on their remote and the TV behaved.

    moral: it DOES happen! but I too would be scared shitless if my garage door opened on its own.

    THE END.

  3. megweathers says:

    Does this mean we’ve rejected the possibility that it’s just old and the electronics are a little messed up?

    Anyway, there’s a ghost in your house. WHO NEEDS A OUIJA BOARD NOW, MF?

  4. Amy Patrick says:

    Wait, wait, I have a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT possibility. Once our garage door was opening and closing in a similarly sinister matter. It turned out that our cat had nestled on the spare garage remote. Do you have a cat? And a spare garage remote? Maybe it’s okay.

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