Lately, every day I wake up with a song on my mind. It doesn’t always mean anything or have to do with what I am feeling or what I am dealing with, but a lot of times, it does. Then there are some days where I don’t put two and two together until I really look at the lyrics. Today, the completely anachronistic “Operator” by Jim Croce was in my head. Catchy tune and it really was not the “operator” part that was floating around, but the words in this title – “…isn’t that the way they say it goes?” I didn’t really think I was feeling any certain way about it until I just read this line:

Operator, could you help me place this call?

‘Cause I can’t read the number that you just gave me

There’s something in my eyes, you know it happens every time

I think about a love that I thought would save me

The lightning bolt hit me with this line. I am really missing a good friend I lost over a year ago. “Lost” in the way that this person no longer wanted a friendship with me – and this song is a perfect metaphor for all of my feelings surrounding that loss. This person is still out there, in the world, living life, having times, fun, sadness, all the things – just without me to cheer for them or comfort them. It has left what feels like a huge, insurmountable hole that I just keep walking completely around in order to avoid the complicated feelings.

The bitch of it is, they really were a love that saved me in the past – from myself, my own destruction; they helped me see myself differently. It’s not that we grew apart, but we disagreed on something fundamental enough for one of us to end the relationship. It sucks, and I did everything I could to be gracious. But I still cry when I think about it too much. I miss them. With my whole heart, I miss them.

And in the words of Mr. Croce, I wish I could call to tell them I’m fine. I only wish my words could just convince myself.

If you have a friendship that has ended in a similar way, just know there’s at least one of us out here that is trying to feel that loss instead of just stepping around it, and that really either reaction is sometimes just what we have to do to survive it. In the long run, I have to give up my notion that we will one day reconcile. Or as the song says, “let’s forget about that call.” The next part, however, will never apply.

There will always be someone that I wish I could talk to on the other end of that line.