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On the surface, you would think that sippin’ on a White Russian goes great with fireplaces, Yule tidings, and about 4 feet of snow on the ground. My friends, I am here to tell you that a White Russian goes great with fucking EVERYTHING.

Winter, Summer, Spring or Fall, it’s like a damn grown-ass milkshake, all for you and your tummy-tum to absorb into your thoroughly deprived-of-Awesome digestive tract, or Magical Unicorn Land, or wherever food and drink goes after you swallow it. I prefer to think of my bloodstream and intestines as a crisp, babbling brook made out of vodka, or lush verdant fields in which French Fry Fairies frolic. But I digress.

A perfectly-crafted White Russian only involves three ingredients:

Vodka (can substitute Everclear)

Kahlua (can substitute coffee grounds mixed with sugar and more vodka)

Half & half (can substitute milk and/or dishwater for coloring – how fucking thirsty are you? Own it.)

1. Okay, drink that pre-drink bottle of wine if it makes you feel fancier.

2. Rinse out a tumbler or milk jug. Whatever.

3. Add ice. Don’t go crazy. Ice is just for looks.

4. Pour in about a finger of Kahlua. (Hint: Use Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment as a measurement for “finger.” And I’m talking the Norton Critical Edition, NOT Bantam Classics measuring. That’s for sissies.)

5. Pour in about 4 Crime and Punishments of vodka. I personally like Monopolowa vodka I have no chance of pronouncing correctly.

6. Add the half & half up to whatever is equivalent to a “full glass” for you. I use fat free half & half, because there’s no sense in wasting all those delicious calories on something that’s just filler. Also, if you’ve done your literary measuring correctly, you won’t need that much.

7. Swirl it around with a swizzle stick, or a pencil, or your finger.

8. Drain it into your gullet like a thirsty hobo in a desert.

9. Repeat.

I promise, you won’t be disappointed. No need to pattern yourself after Lebowski at every turn, but a shabby robe is definitely de rigueur for this amalgamation of amazement. Add a turban, and you’re good. Who gives a shit if you’re at a party or in public. Be your own person. A White Russian in the hand says nothing but “I like drinking” to everyone around you. Oh yeah, and it drips class. True Fact.