This may be a jumbled mess, and for that, I apologize.  My brother-in-law took his own life a few days ago, and I am doing all I can to process and help my husband process all the feelings and emotions that go along with suicide.  It is more than I can put into words.  I wish I could have given him more.  I wish he could have received what we all had to give.

 

I use this title knowing you would have scoffed at it, #1 Music Nerd that you were.  You would say that using a Travis song as a title for this little piece of writing is trite and frankly bullshit, as Travis is a band that got undeserved notoriety and they are melancholy and suck anyway.  I do not use it to spite you and your music taste.  (I can hear you:  “FUCKING TRAVIS????”)  Yes, Fucking Travis, because it’s me, not someone else.

I use it because I should have used it months, years ago.

I will remember you for just that – your ability to tell me how the Smiths were pompous (true) and how music is better when it’s not really recognized by the mainstream (sometimes?).  I will remember you for your passionate stances on God-or-No-God/Politics/World Events/Legalization.  I will remember meeting you for the first time with your brother, wondering who these smart motherfuckers were who were beating me mercilessly at bar trivia.  I will remember you at countless dinners we had, I will remember you dancing, I will remember you and the glimmer you sometimes would get for wanting a better life for yourself, and I will remember you for talking to our dog in a baby voice and loving him no matter how often you did or did not see him.  I will remember how you spoke of your daughters and how the love you had for them shone through no matter what, even in the midst of struggle.  You were uniquely you at all times, in defiance of norms, and despite your surroundings.  I will remember that there were indeed good days.  There were not-good days too.  I will remember those as well.  Turbulence is a force that sometimes does not quit or knows any bounds.  I can’t forget it.  But I can do everything in my power to forgive.

I would ask all of us, no matter who is reading this, that if you or a friend of yours feels like life is too overwhelming and cannot understand how to begin to pick up the pieces, there is help out there.  That if you or that friend has the ability to reach out, do the reaching.  Sometimes our reach to you falls short.  Sometimes it doesn’t have the impact we want it to have.  Sometimes, there just is no saving.  I know in my heart that you might not have known another way, right then, at that moment.  I love you because I just do.  Whether you let me or not.

I will talk to you now, even though it’s too late, in the quiet times of the day or night, in the wake of all our heartache, in the space you have left.  Repair comes when we let it come.  I will choose to repair, no matter how late it is, no matter how much it hurts, no matter what anyone else believes.  I know there is a part of you that will exist beyond consciousness, beyond human form, and I will do what I can to repair both our hearts in that open, grey, and imperfect space.  My guess is you might be calling bullshit on that, too, but you know what?  It’s what I’m doing.  If I could stand one more time in the blizzard of your wrath, I would do just that.  And then some.

I love you because I just do.  Whether you let me or not.