As we’re slowly moving into autumn – leaves are already starting to turn here in the Northeast, despite the 95-degree heat we had a couple of days ago – I’m thinking about loss, losing, shedding, all of the same motions the trees go through. It’s been a weird year. It’s been a year of losses I did not intend. While those losses were necessary for my growth and sanity, they were not welcome or easy. Time is supposed to make it better, make it not hurt as much. I wish that were true faster, I guess.

We can talk about jobs. I’ve written about it before, but the older I get, the less I want to spend time in situations that don’t align with my values. So, don’t get paid enough for the work I am doing? I’m out. On top of that, even more work? Double out. I’m old enough to be in some sort of senior role, and I don’t even care or desire that. I just want to go to work then forget about work after my 8 hours are over. I could not be happier with the decision to “lose” in this way, but it came with sacrifice, and a good deal of guilt for leaving a team of awesome people basically in the lurch with no one to lead them (for what has turned into over 3 months) – and yet. I am winning by forgetting work after my 8 hours are over, the absolute desired goal. The goal could have been different if compensation would have been equitable to the tasks. So it’s easier as far as mental space, but the bitterness about how it all had to go down lingers. Bitterness is still by far better than the stress. Bitterness doesn’t last forever.

We can talk about ideals. While losing…?faith? in systems of government probably was already happening for me before this year, 2024 really cemented it. Nothing was more home-hitting than finally watching Succession. Have I lost you? Hang tight for a sec. I fought watching this show since it came out, but in hindsight, I just wasn’t approaching it correctly. Oh, I tried it immediately – and gave it 2 episodes and did a hard nope. Who was I supposed to like? Why is everyone a dick? This sucks, no one is the good guy here, they are all rich privileged assholes. Fast forward to this year – everyone and their auntie has told me to watch this show. I finally asked someone why. They explained that it was fun to hate them all, and the hate was indeed encouraged. But then I read one word that made it all click into place – SATIRE. I had never really looked at it like that – I thought that if it’s HBO (sorry, I will never call it MAX) it’s a serious drama with serious people that I am supposed to be able to either feel empathy for or feel abject hatred toward. Once I applied the lens of satire to the entire show, it changed everything. I crashed through all four seasons in maybe a month and a half, drawn in by their reckless greed, waiting to see exactly just how they were going to fuck each other over. Magnificent. Acting, top notch. But but but: No one is redeemed. They all really do suck. Yeah, even Greg. But here was the scene that made me lose all faith: The Roys host an Election Eve party. Both political parties are represented at this swanky affair, and it’s all laughs and yuk-yukking and clapping on the back and hooray for fucking corporations, more $, and there’s a betting board like it’s a football game. Which, ok. I know already. I think what took me by surprise is that this is being reflected back in our Emmy-award winning dramas now. Saying the quiet part out loud has been happening for years, but the sheer fact that there is no Red or Blue team at the height of power – only the Green team and they are all on it – is so brazenly portrayed in this episode that it kind of broke my brain.

And finally, we can talk about friendships. I lost a couple this year. I’m having a hard time letting go of my giant feelings about these losses. And while I know there’s nothing I can do to really change the circumstances, it still feels like I’m missing part of my heart. It’s as if my insides are like an advent calendar and someone is just snagging the little treats out, leaving me with these holes. I really hate that feeling when a memory comes back and yet you have to pivot your love for that memory immediately to melancholy because you know you’ll never have those times with that person ever again. Hey, just like death. Cool.

But:

I’d be remiss to not mention all the things I’ve gained this year, too. Principles. Solitude. Calm. And yeah, even some new friends. Things aren’t the same. They never are, though. Life is one change after another, one crossroads after another, one threshold after another to step through and become something new. It doesn’t mean you can’t honor the old.