Wine Me, Dine Me…But Really, Start with Wine

Originally written and posted for this awesome site right here.  Buy some tiny shiny hiney shorts.  These girls know about booty.  
When contemplating what to serve gentleman callers, you can offer many refreshing choices – bougie mixed drinks, plebeian beers, or the ever-popular yet completely monotonous water.  What that guy sitting on the couch waiting to fondle you really wants, besides your boobies, is a beverage that is the Essence of You:  A trashy act in a classy package.  Let me present:  WINE.  In all its forms.  Here are just a few out of a veritable plethora of choices, but the wines listed below I can personally guarantee are winners all around, and any and all will land that aspiring doctor/actor/television thief directly in your, ahem, bedchamber.
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First, how the guide works:
PRICE:
$ – Probably bought it off a bum
$$ – Common grocery store prices
$$$ – I am a rich whore and want to impress people
INEBRIATION CALCULATION:
 – it will take 2 Solo Cups to achieve your dream of speaking more slowly
 – it will take 3 Solo Cups to contemplate listening to Creed or 3 Doors Down
 – it will take 4 Solo Cups to make out with literally anyone in the room

HANGOVER INTENSITY:
 – Coffee will totally cure this
 – Pretty sure these bites are from a human
 – I think I was hit by a car last night

So without further adieu, here is your list.  Carry it with you on all shopping trips.  Or just commit it to memory.  You don’t need any other kinds of wine but these.  To try more is simply foolish, unless someone else is footing the bill.
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BRAND:  TARGET CUBE
FLAVORS:  CAB/SHIRAZ BLEND, WHITE SANGRIA
PRICE: $$
INEBRIATION CALCULATION:  
HANGOVER INTENSITY:  

Allow me to propose the notion that there are few things more enjoyable than a delicious 7-11 Slurpee cup full of Target Cube wine.  If you have not yet dropped a Jackson for this little box of heaven, go immediately to your nearest bulls-eye logo and get you some.  Not only is it super-convenient, your man will know you mean business when you buy the box that’s the size of half a cinder block, yet HOLDS 4 BOTTLES OF WINE.  Also, this wine has won awards, y’all.  Get with the damn program.  Buy some sandals and pocket-tees while you’re there, and you’re good to go.
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BRAND:  FALLING STAR 
FLAVOR:  MALBEC 
PRICE:$
INEBRIATION CALCULATION:  
HANGOVER INTENSITY:  

From the moment you twist the cap off of this decadent crimson bottle of glory, you are hit with an aroma that is surprisingly tangy yet slightly reminiscent of a night during your junior year of college, a night on which you had a blast until someone threw up behind your couch.
Then you remember you have purchased this at the dollar store for $5 (little misnomer there, non?) and now, you will serve it.  Because you do not actually care how this date goes, you are ready to get schwasted.  Tip o’ the cap to Wreckliz & Dangerous for coining that little term.  I added the “c” for intellectual purposes.
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BRAND:  FIRESTEED
FLAVOR:  PINOT NOIR
PRICE:  $$
INEBRIATION CALCULATION:  
HANGOVER INTENSITY:  

Well well well, what’s this?  By name alone, I think I need you in my stable, Firesteed.  Clearly you promise hours of pleasure, or headache.  Whichever.  At about $9.99, this prevalent bottle can be found while grocery shopping, or on your hasty run to QuikTrip to buy prophylactics.  FIRESTEED delivers – it’s not too pungent, not too subversive – it’s just the right amount of both.  You’ll have him eating sugar cubes out of your hand in no time.  You will also wake up to an amalgam of throbbing noises in your head if you insist on drinking the entire bottle by yourself.  You might wish you were actually kicked in the cranium by said Fiery Steed, because that is absolutely how harsh the climb off really is.  Own it.  Try not to pee in a closet.  Just sayin.
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image_577223_full

BRAND:  BOTA BOX 
FLAVOR:  CLEAR
PRICE:  $$
INEBRIATION CALCULATION:  
HANGOVER INTENSITY:  

If nothing else, I can certify that if you’re looking for a wine that will make you say “I loooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvve you”  without any prompting whatsoever, STOP LOOKING BECAUSE YOU’VE FOUND IT.  If you are willing to serve and/or drink it out of a coffee mug, this is the method preferred for superior enjoyment.  This tastes great with ice cubes, 7-Up, and really any other non-alcoholic beverage you have in your possession.  You will not regret drinking this in mass quantities.  You will eat everything put in front of you to get rid of the hangover that will ensue.  Wait until your man-friend leaves the vicinity for the inhaling of homemade nachos made with stale tortillas and cheese made out of nuts.  That’s what I said.  Remember your mom bought it for you at the fancy organic store?  Exactly.  Put some broccoli on top.  Wash it all down with some Raspberry Zingers.  Fucking yum.  Go vomit immediately.
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BRAND:  CARLO ROSSI
FLAVOR:  PAISANO (Literally, “Peasant” but could also mean “Gullible Asshole”)
PRICE:  $
INEBRIATION CALCULATION:  
HANGOVER INTENSITY:  ZERO – IT WILL NOT BE IN YOUR BODY THAT LONG

It was YOU that night in college.  YOU threw up behind your own couch.  YOU DRANK A GALLON OF THIS.  Don’t ever do that again.  Stop at half a gallon.
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As mentioned previously, you cannot go wrong with these choices, as they are all stellar and will no doubt get you laid.  EVEN THE LAST ONE.
In our next installment, we’ll discuss mixing vodka with 4 Loko.  Don’t worry,  I do not advocate that you offer this concoction until date #2.
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6 thoughts on “Wine Me, Dine Me…But Really, Start with Wine

  1. CJ Anderson says:

    Oi, don’t go totally knocking on 3 Doors Down, Kryptonite was awesome and still holds up today. Then again I think Metallica’s album with Lou Reed was good so I guess I have the musical tastes of a lobotomized Hellen Kellar (Or so the Internet has told me)

  2. lizremus says:

    This is how I know I need to move out of PA. In other states, people buy Wine at TARGET! This is amazing. I need to move out of PA.

    • THIS is true tragedy. There’s hope for you Liz!! Surely there is Target wine somewhere in the Northeast!

      • lizremus says:

        A friend of mine just left to NYC for an internship and bought beer at a convenience store at 12:30am. I was super jealous.

        In PA, you have to go to a special state run store that runs at specified times.

        I need to stop complaining before I sound like an alcoholic…

      • You are in good non-alcoholic company here. Trust me. NO JUDGMENT!!
        I used to live in Utah which was the same way – state stores, and I think they all closed at 6 or something insane. I was 11 so I wasn’t QUITE shopping at them yet.

      • lizremus says:

        lol, I’m in my last year of college so it’s pretty important.

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