Easter ProTip: Drink to Salvation!

Originally written for the fine ladies over at Hex Chromosome. Check out their amazing shorts. Your ass will thank you.

Hey everyone, if you are easily offended by irreverent columns about sacred holy days, then you should probably stop reading now. I mean it. Stop. Reading.

If you keep reading, you’re going to Hell.

Now that we’ve gotten rid of all the goody-two-shoes’seses (pfffttttt whatever), we can now get down to brass tacks: What to do while your offspring, nieces/nephews, or random street urchin youngsters are rummaging through your newly-planted spring flowerbeds, searching for a ridiculous plastic egg that holds the Baby Jesus in it. I mean chocolate. Something. There’s only one thing that’s going to make this allergy-infested, ham-laden snoozefest of a holiday better: DRANKS. Look no further, because I bring forth the answers to your burning bushel of Easter drinking etiquette questions.

First, WWJD?

Well, I am sure you immediately assume that the Lamb of God would get down on some wine, since 1) he had all that water and 2) that was kind of the mainstay of bevvies back in the day. Honestly, I think had he been offered a delicious and savory Bloody Mary (aw shit, no pun intended. For real! It’s just timely because it’s breakfast!) he would have enjoyed it, as long as it came with a salt and pepper rim and a charming array of vegetables cut into stirrers. What is NOT to like about this amazing concoction? Vodka is clearly the most pristine and innocent member of the alcohol family, and surely the Lord is pleased when we try to be as pure as possible. You totally need 5 servings of vegetables a day. Drink two of these in the AM and you are DONE, son. Vegetablez. YOU ARE SO HEALTHY.

What’s an appropriately solemn drink while I’m waiting for ham and pretending to like kids?

Which one do you hate more, ham or kids? If you hate ham or are only sticking around for the mashed potatoes because you shoved a metric fuckton of chocolate bunny ear into your gullet before lunch, then you should go with something that is either light or is going to mingle well with all the cheap chocolate aftertaste. I suggest Jameson neat (proves you are totally atoning for your sins because of the seriousness of the drink). If you hate children, a delightful wine spritzer should do the trick (light and airy, and that little asshole 7-year old does not need more Sprite today. Who are you kidding, grab that half-empty 2-liter and just dump the rest of the Target wine cube in it. Add Spree or Easter Skittles for extra festiveness.)

What drinks will go well with my meatless Good Friday?

Everything. Did you swear off alcohol for Lent? OF COURSE YOU FUCKING DIDN’T. Because you do not have a problem.

More wine, just sayin. And ham is for sinners.

I need to watch Game of Thrones after all the soul-saving. How do I power through until then?

You really only have two choices here: You either need to go to bed immediately after brunch, or stay awake and drink all day. Personally, the latter is the safer option. By the time you are well into your cups and are looking at Jon Snow’s angelic face, you might actually have a spiritual moment of sorts. Plus, don’t worry. Lots of people die in GoT. All the time. Every chapter, almost. You will feel sufficiently sad, yet happy, and BLAM – your Easter is complete. PTL.

Can someone get Drogo to rise from the dead? Do it.

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