This will be brief. But first, enjoy your many flowers and chocolates on this most holy of fake days. I’M HIGH ON LIFE AND DON’T NEED GIFTS.
Now that we’ve established my superiority in the face of a table full of ridiculous confections, let’s talk about why you people feel the need to be on the same side of my desk as I am. I’d like to point out a few things:
- I keep it dark in my office on purpose. It is not only much more soothing than giant-ass fluorescent lights, it is to KEEP YOU OUT.
- I keep it approximately 85 degrees in my office on purpose. It is not only much more soothing than the 60 degrees the office normally is, it is also designed to KEEP YOU OUT.
- The space heater is firmly planted in between me and your path to get to me. Why you feel the need to step directly over it and talk to me is beyond my comprehension. WHY HAVEN’T YOUR ANKLES CAUGHT FIRE YET??
Look, I like many of you. But today and every day, I’d like you to respect my area. There is about a 4 to 5-foot diameter in which people who are not my close friends or my husband should see and actually FEEL. I am trying to push you away with my mind. It’s not because I dislike you. It’s because no one has taught you not to be that person. Please consider this a lesson. You are most welcome.
Now go forth and hug everyone.