2) Got this at a garage sale and have already remembered how to play “Faithfully” and am working on “Royals” and will master the entire Tori Amos catalog by September. MELODIES ONLY CHORDS ONE SWEET DAY
3) Baked a tasty-ass apple pie for a friend’s unbirthday (32 does NOT get a birthday.)
4) Got an awesome text from my tattoo-artist-apprentice husband who apparently can’t wait to see me in action with this sweet keyboard.
5) DID DISHES, YO
6) Got these figs off my own fig tree
7) Got to see great friends all day long
8) Ate cake balls
9) Opened up a liter of cherry Dr. Pepper like a champ. Not figurative. Sorry about your pants, guy.
No one can say nor has ever said I’m an optimist. I’ve always subscribed to the viewpoint of “expect the worst and you might be pleasantly surprised.” It has seemed to work out thus far. And 2012, you were the one year in which I did not expect the worst, but you sure showed me. I mean, of course it could have been EVEN MORE WORSE, but unless you threw coffee in my face and spat on me, 2012, it was pretty much teh suck. If it weren’t for an amazing husband and awesome friends, I would probably be more hermit-like than I already am, trapped inside a box of wine on my couch in a shoddy bathrobe, littered with old highlighted copies of Anne Sexton. So 2013, I beg you, can I have a year without unnecessary bullshit?
10. Please refrain from making sure I get a stupid common cold that lasts for 2 weeks. I blame you, December.
9. I could use a little break on the stress, too. I will make a deal with you: I’ll meditate, and you, 2013, need to lay the fuck off.
8. Please do not open any of these restaurants near my house: Tin Star, Buca di Beppo, or Liberty Burger. Oh wait. Thanks a lot, Liberty Burger. These extra 20 pounds thank you too. Every one of them.
7. Figure out a way to ensure I never run out of coffee. I don’t think this is an unreasonable expectation, 2013.
6. Seriously: No more hurricanes on the East Coast.
5. Even more seriously: No more kitty or doggie sadness. I can’t take it.
4. I’d really like to make it through you with no broken bones. Take pity on the old and infirm. I promise to strength train or do whatever insanity Pynk Fitness suggests. PROMISE.
3. Somehow be the year in which the Automatic Laundry Hang N’ Fold is invented.
2. Diet French Fries too.
1. More than anything else, 2013, just keep everyone I love safe, healthy, and happier than 2012. If that’s too great an expectation, well…ok. We’ll call it “hope.” THIS TIME. I mean, if Justin Bieber can believe, I can too. I think.
Best Wishes to everyone for a clean slate and more betterness than you expect.
Yeah, I know, November. Let’s all tell everyone what we’re grateful for this month! I’m totally doing that, I promise. But the world deserves balance, and I’m here to provide that shit. YOU’RE WELCOME.
10. Laundry. Come on, man. I have way better stuff to do. This takes up what seems to be half my life. I want Middle Ages. Cleaning clothes once a year. Sounds awesome. Smells not awesome. Fine. You win, stupid chore.
9. You’re, your, they’re, their, and every grammar mistake grown-ass people should have learned how to correct by now. Especially those who make 6-figure salaries. Hire a fucking editor to spellcheck your goddamn emails and newsletters. AREN’T YOU EMBARASSEDIMBARRASED – oh fuck it.
8. Not being Awesome at All The Things. I realize this is impractical and sets an impossible standard. But I do hate it. On the list it goes.
7. Being out of coffee. Although this probably ties with #1.
6. Clock Spider.
5. Lima Beans. They are gross.
4. The dentist. Look, she’s very nice, and my teeth are worth thousands of dollars. But if I don’t get the gas every time, just be prepared, lady, for the white-knuckle situation that’s about to ensue.
3. Nickleback. Not just today. Every day.
2. Entitled assholes who feel like the universe owes them cupcakes and SO MUCH MORE.
1. Sensor paper towel dispensers. I hate these. With my entire heart. So much.
Alright! Now back to superhappytime. I love EVERYONE! Have a great weekend!!!