Saturday it’s a Saturday!!

Ten awesome things that happened today: 

1)  Drank a lot of coffee.  

2)  Got this at a garage sale and have already remembered how to play “Faithfully” and am working on “Royals” and will master the entire Tori Amos catalog by September.  MELODIES ONLY CHORDS ONE SWEET DAY 

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EVERYONE IN MY HOUSE WINS

3)  Baked a tasty-ass apple pie for a friend’s unbirthday (32 does NOT get a birthday.) 

4) Got an awesome text from my tattoo-artist-apprentice husband who apparently can’t wait to see me in action with this sweet keyboard. 

5)  DID DISHES, YO 

6)  Got these figs off my own fig tree 

Trees are miracles.
Trees are miracles.

7)  Got to see great friends all day long 

8)  Ate cake balls 

9)  Opened up a liter of cherry Dr. Pepper like a champ.  Not figurative.  Sorry about your pants, guy.    

10)  More keyboard.  THE END 

10 Things I’d Rather Do on a Day Off Than Have Dental Work Done

10.  Eat Lima beans

9.  Go see the George W. Bush art exhibit

8.  Rake leaves

7.  Drink Mountain Dew

6.  Babysit

5.  go to the Texas “coast”

4.  Laser every hair on my body

3.  Give up my ability to eat chips (oh wait, that’s happening)

2.  Go to work

1.  Listen to Primus ALL DAY.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
IT WILL BE GREAT

 

Hey 2013: 10 Things You Can Do to Not Suck

No one can say nor has ever said I’m an optimist.  I’ve always subscribed to the viewpoint of “expect the worst and you might be pleasantly surprised.”  It has seemed to work out thus far.  And 2012, you were the one year in which I did not expect the worst, but you sure showed me.  I mean, of course it could have been EVEN MORE WORSE, but unless you threw coffee in my face and spat on me, 2012, it was pretty much teh suck.  If it weren’t for an amazing husband and awesome friends, I would probably be more hermit-like than I already am, trapped inside a box of wine on my couch in a shoddy bathrobe, littered with old highlighted copies of Anne Sexton.  So 2013, I beg you, can I have a year without unnecessary bullshit?

10.  Please refrain from making sure I get a stupid common cold that lasts for 2 weeks.  I blame you, December.

9.  I could use a little break on the stress, too.  I will make a deal with you:  I’ll meditate, and you, 2013, need to lay the fuck off.

8.  Please do not open any of these restaurants near my house:  Tin Star, Buca di Beppo, or Liberty Burger.  Oh wait.  Thanks a lot, Liberty Burger.  These extra 20 pounds thank you too.  Every one of them.

7.  Figure out a way to ensure I never run out of coffee.  I don’t think this is an unreasonable expectation, 2013.

6.  Seriously:  No more hurricanes on the East Coast.

5.  Even more seriously:  No more kitty or doggie sadness.  I can’t take it.

4.  I’d really like to make it through you with no broken bones.  Take pity on the old and infirm.  I promise to strength train or do whatever insanity Pynk Fitness suggests.  PROMISE.

3.  Somehow be the year in which the Automatic Laundry Hang N’ Fold is invented.

2.  Diet French Fries too.

1.  More than anything else, 2013, just keep everyone I love safe, healthy, and happier than 2012.  If that’s too great an expectation, well…ok.  We’ll call it “hope.”  THIS TIME.  I mean, if Justin Bieber can believe, I can too.  I think.

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I’m smiling through tears. I’m more jaded than anyone. Even these sunglasses are painful to me.

Best Wishes to everyone for a clean slate and more betterness than you expect.

Top 10 Things I Hate (Today)

Yeah, I know, November.  Let’s all tell everyone what we’re grateful for this month!  I’m totally doing that, I promise.  But the world deserves balance, and I’m here to provide that shit.  YOU’RE WELCOME.

10.  Laundry.  Come on, man.  I have way better stuff to do.  This takes up what seems to be half my life.  I want Middle Ages.  Cleaning clothes once a year.  Sounds awesome.  Smells not awesome.  Fine.  You win, stupid chore.

9.  You’re, your, they’re, their, and every grammar mistake grown-ass people should have learned how to correct by now.  Especially those who make 6-figure salaries.  Hire a fucking editor to spellcheck your goddamn emails and newsletters.  AREN’T YOU EMBARASSED  IMBARRASED  – oh fuck it.

8.  Not being Awesome at All The Things.  I realize this is impractical and sets an impossible standard.  But I do hate it.  On the list it goes.

7.  Being out of coffee.  Although this probably ties with #1.

6.  Clock Spider.  

Just because it’s ending, YOU WILL NOT SLEEP MORE

5.  Lima Beans.  They are gross.

4.  The dentist.  Look, she’s very nice, and my teeth are worth thousands of dollars.  But if I don’t get the gas every time, just be prepared, lady, for the white-knuckle situation that’s about to ensue.

3.  Nickleback.  Not just today.  Every day.

2.  Entitled assholes who feel like the universe owes them cupcakes and SO MUCH MORE.

1.  Sensor paper towel dispensers.  I hate these.  With my entire heart.  So much.

Just give me a fucking towel.

Alright!  Now back to superhappytime.  I love EVERYONE!  Have a great weekend!!!

Top 10 Things I’ve Learned In One Day

10.  I don’t have any concept of what I look like in public any longer.

9.  You can totally fix a broken flip-flop with gum or paper and it will last at least up the driveway to the house.

8.  There is very weird, very brightly colored adult programming on at 5am on HBO.

7.  I can actually go a long time without food.  Don’t lecture.  I’m very busy.

6.  My vocal range is no longer like Teena Marie’s but IS like Boy George’s.

5.  A “rape van” and a “rap van” are essentially the same thing.

4.  Low-cal orange juice tastes like Sunny D.

3.  Pretty sure I talk to myself, out loud, ALL THE TIME.

2.  My sister is a damn lifesaver disguised as a sister.

1.  I do not tell my close friends and loved ones how just much I love them near enough.  Because they deserve to be told every second of every day.

NOT Teena Marie.

Carry on, and enjoy your weekend, suckas!!!