10. Try to always look 10 steps ahead. Applicable for walking as well.
9. Stripes are exciting, not fattening.
8. Sprinkle cookies are even MORE exciting.
7. Stripes + sprinkle cookie = total awesome meltdown.
6. Stop looking at unnecessary shit.
5. When you run out of life, cheat time.
4. Bombs are only good when they explode in the right place.
3. Chocolate should only magically appear when I want it to.
2. Be wary of weird, baritone voices that say “tasty” or “delicious” over and over.
And most importantly,
1. Don’t ever start something you will NEVER FINISH.
Phrases that I have either said myself (mostly to only myself) or have heard in the last 24 hours:
1. “Frozen Arbor Mist is like a lightly alcoholic Slurpee.”
2. “Try not to impale yourself on your jeans.”
3. “You do not have the time to be worrying about golden elephants.”
4. ” I was too distracted by terrible yet amazing 90’s dance music to comment on your bowl.”
5. “Why are you copying everyone about your cupcake trauma?”
6. “My dislikes are EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR MASHED POTATOES AND VIGGO MORTENSEN”
7. “I am, indeed, a snobby smart-aleck.”
8. “It doesn’t matter – in every instance, there’s always porn on.”
9. “‘Slut chomper.’ This book will be endless hours of entertainment.”
10. “Well, there’s no redemption or honor in not drinking. ”
Happy Weekend, especially to my excellently talented friends, Leesie and Jeremy, on the eve of their wedding. Long time coming, kids. You are both insane. I love you.