I have recently started traveling quite a bit for work.  I can firmly say I’m in the pro-Southwest Airlines camp, even when the attendants float crazy bombs of jokes that go out into the atmosphere like a suffocating cloud of death.  I have a list of observations about my experiences on relatively short flights.  I would like to take this time to share them.

1)  I want more drink coupons, but more than that, I want a longer time to be able to enjoy them.  Southwest, on some flights, has started taking your drink order before take-off.  THIS IS A TOTAL BONUS.  The less time I have to wait for you to bring me 8 coffee & Bailey’s all at once, the better.

2)  I don’t need a great many frills – but why is the peanut/pretzel offer even an offer?  You need to just give me two of everything the minute I walk on the plane, because clearly, the choices I just made at the airport newsstand will not get me through your 40-minute flight. And in reality, all I did was buy my derby wife a $10 fedora.  Give over the snacks, lady or dude.  I cannot wait until I hit the ground in, like, 20 minutes.

3)  I appreciate people my age.  They now all work for Southwest.  It’s a little creepy, but I’m glad that if this job ever falls through, my fat ass can waddle through the aisles and offer you fine assholes some peanuts and drinks.  I’m guessing the air marshals may not find my jokes amusing, and I’m fairly certain they would have to put me through some sort of “WE’RE SOUTHWEST AND WE PROMISE YOU WILL NOT DIE” training.

4)  I enjoy the fact that I am of the Southwest Elite, and I will always board the plane before you, allowing me to procure the seat by the window directly over the engine.  If we go, I want to go first.  At all times.  For everything.  Even dying.

Let’s now discuss some experiences I’ve had with passengers.  Because unlike Southwest, the clientele sucks balls.

1)  Hey lady, I’m really sorry I now know your first and last name and your phone number.  Why do I know it?  Because you’ve shouted it at the top of your lungs into your phone, for clearly you are a Very Important Person.  I understand that Jared cannot do things by himself in the office while you are on a plane, and I am absolutely giddy at the prospect of your catered event going completely fucktastic because you are trying to Control All Things from your mobile phone.  Also, you write in a notebook like a child.  If it’s pink and frilly, you do not look professional.  Just sayin.  Personal style be damned.

2)  Wow, excuse me, King Douchebag.  Can you see that my row of seats is in front of your row of seats?  That means I get to exit the plane before you.  But hey, you are a guy, and we all know women don’t really work and if there are women in front of you on a plane it’s because they are going on a superfun girls’ trip.  By all means, cut in front of me.  The importance with which you guffaw at your business partner is nauseating, so I’d rather you had just go.  I can wait.

3)  This flight is taking place at 4:45pm.  Are you seriously just ordering water?  Does not compute.  You do not belong on my row.

4)  Get off plane.  Walk through terminal.  Perhaps go to the restroom.  PERHAPS TRY TO AVOID STANDING AIMLESSLY IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERYONE’S PATH.

There are small, simple things everyone can do to make flying better, faster, and overall more awesome.  Southwest has done many of these things.  Unfortunately, Southwest offers some people more courtesy than they deserve.

On second thought, I hope this job never falls through.  No one looks good falling out of a plane, whether it’s me in my fancy blue flight attendant shirt or the loud-talking misogynist I’m taking with me.