My Life Wants to be a Van Halen Song

WHICH, MIGHT I ADD, IS AWESOME.

Let’s get something straight right the fuck now – I am not discussing Van HAGAR.  Not the same.  At all.  I mean, who doesn’t sing along really loud and with a tear in their eye that that’s what dreams are made of?  I know I do.  At least alone in my car, I MIGHT.

BUT NO.

We are talking about pure unadulterated David Lee Roth in all his hair-ful glory.  Let us remember Diamond Dave of Yesteryear, because it’s a metric fuckton more glorious than poor Dave now.  We must all face one day the cold hard truth that DLR has had to face:  We all get older.  We cannot all look forever like this:

 

Would you like some ice cream? Dixie Cups, bitches.

 

But I digress, because I could post at least 10 pictures of Mr. Roth that will take you right on back to 1984.  Just like a Time Machine of Rock.

I saw Van Halen on the 1984 album tour.  I was 14 and it was my first unchaperoned concert.  I remember actually cramming my way to the front of the stage, people passing out next to me due to getting pushed up against the metal security bars, and sadly not realizing the magnitude of what I was witnessing.  Yes, I was in awe.  I was mesmerized when they shone the fancy lights on Alex Van Halen’s absolutely insane drum kit:

If this isn’t drumz I don’t know what drumz iz

I was also enthralled by David Lee in TIGER PANTS with a GIANT SWORD doing some kind of choreographed number that was far too short for my tastes.

DANCE FOR ME ONLY, DAVID LEE ROTH

But enough about my concert-going experience.  I repeat, at age 14, I was woefully ignorant of the importance of being where I was at that moment in time.  IT WAS FUCKING IMPORTANT.  I know it now.

So, I asked my husband the other day which song was his favorite Van Halen song.  He said in a very ridiculously non-committed voice:  “I don’t know…’Jump’?”

ARE YOU SHITTING ME. 

As popular as that song was, it is possibly my least favorite Van Halen song of ALL TIME.  He could not be more flawed in his opinions.  At least if he would have said “Panama” I might not have wanted to punch him in the face so badly.

But you need to know what led to this questioning.  I happened to be listening to “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love” (MORE CONTRACTIONS PLEASE!) at least 5 times in a row the other day while driving.  Which, upon listen #3, I had decided that this song, no matter what its lyrics and its relevance to my life situation (however, I indeed HAVE been to the edge and also do not have time to mess around), IS MY NEW THEME SONG that will play in my head indefinitely.  Until the next new theme song comes along.

Although I will confess that instead of “you gotta bleed for it, baby”, I always thought he was saying “you gotta freeball it, baby.”

We could all use a little more freeballin’.

GET SOME VH IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.  You’ll feel way better.  I know I do.  TOTAL CONFIDENCE.

I drew this on every book cover I had in junior high.

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7 thoughts on “My Life Wants to be a Van Halen Song

  1. I still am 100% offended when DLR calls me only “semi good looking” in that song.

  2. One time my mom asked me if VH had a greatest hits album and I was like, “Yeah it’s called 1984!!!!” But for serious.

  3. Dana Sensibaugh says:

    Mike said I was singing “Just a Gigolo” in my sleep one night. I told him that DLR was in bed with us. OK by him.

  4. Heather says:

    I’m still hot for teacher.

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