It’s 7:05 am. My husband has just told me that for some inexplicable reason, our garage door is open. Not wide open, but like, person-crawling-in-size open, 3 feet off the ground. I bolt out of my Hunger Games-reading stupor and say quietly, “what the fuck,” because this is exactly the way I need to be woken up on a Monday. Unfortunately, said husband is … Continue reading Happy Anniversary, Nameless Faceless Killer!
It is 6:05am on a Friday. Good Friday. I am destined to make this not just Good Friday, but Great Friday, because my hands are covered in cheesecake and I’m muttering unintelligible shit under my breath. “There’s got to be a better…why won’t the…motherfucker.” As you may have guessed, I enjoy a challenge. So no one was surprised when I made a fig cheesecake with … Continue reading I’ve Got Quite a Bit to Say About Red Velvet Cheesecake Pops
Is it wrong that I want to write about delicious, flavorful noms? No. No, it is not wrong at all. Honestly, there really are only two kinds of people in this world: Salty or Sweet. If you know me, you know that I’m definitely Salty (in word and deed, motherfuckers.) I do not deny that cheesecake and cookies (good, homemade ones) have the power to … Continue reading Let’s Talk About Snacks, Baby.
As I hobble to my makeshift workstation at the kitchen table with a pan of Stove Top in one hand and a shredded facial tissue in the other, I ask myself: Self, am I depressed? I mean, a broken fibula can mean many things to many people, as I have learned on mybrokenleg.com, but the bullshit that you go through on the day-to-day while cooped … Continue reading Pegleg: Slower Than You!
The other day, I was driving home listening to NPR as I am wont to do on most days. I listen to NPR because honestly, all the other news radio sucks even worse than theirs does. I try to mostly listen to the BBC (usually always error-free because they are BRITISH) or the non-news programming, whatever. I don’t need to explain away my shameless abuse … Continue reading Werdz: Not Rocket Science, NPR
I have recently started traveling quite a bit for work. I can firmly say I’m in the pro-Southwest Airlines camp, even when the attendants float crazy bombs of jokes that go out into the atmosphere like a suffocating cloud of death. I have a list of observations about my experiences on relatively short flights. I would like to take this time to share them. 1) … Continue reading I Wish I Had a Dime for Every Dick on a Plane
I mean, look at him/it/this: My husband, although The Song Remains the Same might as well play on an endless loop inside our home, thinks that I somehow am immune to the allure of 1973 Robert Plant due to two factors: 1) I do not pay attention to the television because it is very loud and explosion-y most of the time, and 2) Because it’s … Continue reading Nobody Can Rock a Blouse Like 1973 Robert Plant
To my extreme chagrin, I have to work just like all the rest of you. After having all of this wonderful time off during the holidays, it’s especially chagrin-filled. The more I am allowed to rise at my leisure at 9am, the happier I am as a person. But sadly, that will only become a reality if you, dear reader, make me famous. Get to … Continue reading 2012: Not Letting The Man Get Me Down
One might say I’m biased because my birthday is today, Christmas Eve, and it’s always been less “pleasure and joy” and more “unnngghhh must finish Christmas shopping ON MY BIRTHDAY.” Whatever my general holiday malaise stems from, surely I’m not the only person who notices that people invariably become even bigger asshats during the holidays, what with rushing around, cutting you off on the freeway, … Continue reading Holiday Advice: Pump the Brakes on Assholery
No, it’s not what you’re thinking. But BY GOD what I dreamt last night was so freaking cool that I have to write about it. Let’s see if everyone else thinks so. If you don’t know by now who Greta X is, that’s a damn shame. But either way, here’s the completely amazing dream I had last night. I have never, I repeat NEVER written … Continue reading The Best Friendship Dream Ever
Pocketful of Venom 
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