Eating Like a Toddler, or How Not to Diet
I don’t care what anyone says. I was done with trying to lose weight because it seemed like the harder I kept trying, the worse it got and the more I totally did NOT lose weight. AND THEN, a friend had me read this book: So far, it is working like a champ in that I have stopped the following actions: 1) Obsessing every … Continue reading Eating Like a Toddler, or How Not to Diet
The Alien Transformation is Almost Complete
Here’s a scene from last night. This happened. Husband: “What are you doing?” Me, while jogging around the dining room table: “I’m a little freaked out by myself right now. I think this is like running.” Him: “Yes, what you are doing right there is jogging.” Me: “Yeah, I don’t know what the fuck it is but I think I kind of like it … Continue reading The Alien Transformation is Almost Complete
Misadventures in Unexpected Happiness, vol. 2: Who Am I
As I hung up laundry on Friday night (because my life is fucking exciting), I realized that I was hanging up 9 black V-neck t-shirts. NINE. That seemed excessive. This blog could probably just end here. Because as soon as “this seems excessive” entered my head, I should have immediately realized I HAVE UNDERGONE A FUNDAMENTAL CHANGE. Or something. Either way, … Continue reading Misadventures in Unexpected Happiness, vol. 2: Who Am I
Sanity Check: Are We Just Doing Whatever Now?
So last night, a really disturbing scenario unfolded as I tried to enjoy delicious Indian food at a fine local establishment. While already seated with my friend, a couple walked into the restaurant with a small dog. The small dog had a large tag on, and it had the appearance of a luggage tag. I’ve seen these before and recognized it as possibly a service … Continue reading Sanity Check: Are We Just Doing Whatever Now?
10 Things I’d Rather Do on a Day Off Than Have Dental Work Done
10. Eat Lima beans 9. Go see the George W. Bush art exhibit 8. Rake leaves 7. Drink Mountain Dew 6. Babysit 5. go to the Texas “coast” 4. Laser every hair on my body 3. Give up my ability to eat chips (oh wait, that’s happening) 2. Go to work 1. Listen to Primus ALL DAY. Continue reading 10 Things I’d Rather Do on a Day Off Than Have Dental Work Done
Misadventures in Unexpected Happiness, vol. 1
So as I was driving home this evening after finally figuring out how the Spotify and the Bluetooth and my car stereo and my Galaxy s4 can all work harmoniously together once more, I didn’t recognize one of my 3900 starred songs that started playing. I said aloud to myself, is it Siouxsie? The Cure? Bauhaus? It took me an eternal 45 seconds to remember … Continue reading Misadventures in Unexpected Happiness, vol. 1
Happy Bullshit Holiday: Let’s Discuss Personal Space
This will be brief. But first, enjoy your many flowers and chocolates on this most holy of fake days. I’M HIGH ON LIFE AND DON’T NEED GIFTS. Now that we’ve established my superiority in the face of a table full of ridiculous confections, let’s talk about why you people feel the need to be on the same side of my desk as I am. I’d … Continue reading Happy Bullshit Holiday: Let’s Discuss Personal Space
Please Be Perceptive Regarding My Utter Disdain For You
Holy shit. Did you really just ask me the same question twice, even with me answering it already? Did you? It’s not like it’s been a day and you forgot this info. That I would forgive. But when I tell you one thing and then you ask me the SAME THING LITERALLY 30 SECONDS LATER, I am fucking done. OH WAIT NOW YOU’VE ASKED FOR … Continue reading Please Be Perceptive Regarding My Utter Disdain For You
Win An Evening with Me
I’ve been saving this story for y’all. Merry Giving of the Thanks! Enjoy your foul. Now that I’ve retired from roller derby (a subject to be tackled later with a box of wine, a stack of kleenex and less jokes than usual at my dispense), I’m left with a fairly large amount of time on my hands. Time, mind you, that has been used so … Continue reading Win An Evening with Me
Foat Wuth I Luv You but GOTTAMN
Dudes. I am here on business. “But you live in Dallas, Stoney. Why is it such a big deal to be in Fort Worth?” I WILL TELL YOU. FIrst, the roads are colossally fucked, so why drive to Dallas only to sleep for less than 4 hours? Stupid. It is 12:04am on what is technically a FrIday morning. I have spent my entire day in … Continue reading Foat Wuth I Luv You but GOTTAMN
Pocketful of Venom 
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