This will be brief. But first, enjoy your many flowers and chocolates on this most holy of fake days. I’M HIGH ON LIFE AND DON’T NEED GIFTS. Now that we’ve established my superiority in the face of a table full of ridiculous confections, let’s talk about why you people feel the need to be on the same side of my desk as I am. I’d … Continue reading Happy Bullshit Holiday: Let’s Discuss Personal Space
Holy shit. Did you really just ask me the same question twice, even with me answering it already? Did you? It’s not like it’s been a day and you forgot this info. That I would forgive. But when I tell you one thing and then you ask me the SAME THING LITERALLY 30 SECONDS LATER, I am fucking done. OH WAIT NOW YOU’VE ASKED FOR … Continue reading Please Be Perceptive Regarding My Utter Disdain For You
I’ve been saving this story for y’all. Merry Giving of the Thanks! Enjoy your foul. Now that I’ve retired from roller derby (a subject to be tackled later with a box of wine, a stack of kleenex and less jokes than usual at my dispense), I’m left with a fairly large amount of time on my hands. Time, mind you, that has been used so … Continue reading Win An Evening with Me
Dudes. I am here on business. “But you live in Dallas, Stoney. Why is it such a big deal to be in Fort Worth?” I WILL TELL YOU. FIrst, the roads are colossally fucked, so why drive to Dallas only to sleep for less than 4 hours? Stupid. It is 12:04am on what is technically a FrIday morning. I have spent my entire day in … Continue reading Foat Wuth I Luv You but GOTTAMN
This was originally titled Monday: Please Choke on a Dick, but I figured that would only yield terrible (or AMAZING) search results for all of you. My husband, when I’m sad or sullen, calls me Sunday Shawn. This derives from anticipating Monday. It starts usually about 3pm on Sunday. It is not necessarily always the case – yesterday was a good Sunday. So, Monday, I … Continue reading Monday: Decidedly Worse than Sunday
10. Try to always look 10 steps ahead. Applicable for walking as well. 9. Stripes are exciting, not fattening. 8. Sprinkle cookies are even MORE exciting. 7. Stripes + sprinkle cookie = total awesome meltdown. 6. Stop looking at unnecessary shit. 5. When you run out of life, cheat time. 4. Bombs are only good when they explode in the right place. 3. Chocolate should … Continue reading Top Ten Life Lessons Learned from Candy Crush
Originally written for the fine ladies over at Hex Chromosome. Check out their amazing shorts. Your ass will thank you. Hey everyone, if you are easily offended by irreverent columns about sacred holy days, then you should probably stop reading now. I mean it. Stop. Reading. Now that we’ve gotten rid of all the goody-two-shoes’seses (pfffttttt whatever), we can now get down to brass tacks: … Continue reading Easter ProTip: Drink to Salvation!
No one can say nor has ever said I’m an optimist. I’ve always subscribed to the viewpoint of “expect the worst and you might be pleasantly surprised.” It has seemed to work out thus far. And 2012, you were the one year in which I did not expect the worst, but you sure showed me. I mean, of course it could have been EVEN MORE … Continue reading Hey 2013: 10 Things You Can Do to Not Suck
Yeah, I know, November. Let’s all tell everyone what we’re grateful for this month! I’m totally doing that, I promise. But the world deserves balance, and I’m here to provide that shit. YOU’RE WELCOME. 10. Laundry. Come on, man. I have way better stuff to do. This takes up what seems to be half my life. I want Middle Ages. Cleaning clothes once a year. … Continue reading Top 10 Things I Hate (Today)
Phrases that I have either said myself (mostly to only myself) or have heard in the last 24 hours: 1. “Frozen Arbor Mist is like a lightly alcoholic Slurpee.” 2. “Try not to impale yourself on your jeans.” 3. “You do not have the time to be worrying about golden elephants.” 4. ” I was too distracted by terrible yet amazing 90’s dance music to comment … Continue reading 24 Hours of Awesome
Pocketful of Venom 
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